dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
