a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
