I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
