Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
