The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
