She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and she was petting her beer can
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
