Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
