Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
