Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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