mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
