pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
