I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
