There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
