I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
