Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Where is the hickey?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
