This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
