Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
