I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
