3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
