the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
