Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
