i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
