New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
