phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
