you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
