dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
