So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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