wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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