I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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