I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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