I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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