i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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