bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
this hospital has no fireball
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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