please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
