my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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