Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
