Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
