What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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