I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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