I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
