I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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