shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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