I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You left your phone here
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