I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
