The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
