My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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