I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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