Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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