So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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