and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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