got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
